ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
