I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
