Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
