if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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