Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
