Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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