Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
