How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
