We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
