i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
