Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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