Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
