my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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