FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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