I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
