life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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