I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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