We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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