my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
