We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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