awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
