Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
