You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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