My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
