On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
