Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
