my sisters under your porch take her home
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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