I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
