Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
