you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
