I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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