i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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