Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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