What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
