Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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