There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
