he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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