How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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