His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
