Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
