Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Randomize
