the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
As shirtless as possible
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
