Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
