Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
