in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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