Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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