Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
