I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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