I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
