If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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