Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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