A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
